Okay, time for a quick pop quiz.
Which do you think is more important for a leader:
- A. To have all the answers, or B. To ask the right questions?
- A. To do everything perfectly, or B. To make mistakes?
- A. To always be confident, or B. To have, and share, doubts and fears?
According to the leadership that I was fed growing up in the 90s, the answers would have been all As. No question.
Think about Steve Jobs, Tom Cruise, and George H.W. Bush.
Notice something these folks have in common? All men, and all white. They were tough and strong, and that’s what a leader was. This was the image of leadership I was raised on, and I worry the dominant, pervasive model of leadership, at least in the U.S., has not changed that much in 25+ years.
As someone who has been lucky enough to be a leader for decades in the nonprofit sector and in progressive social justice movements, I now see that this is total bullshit. I know real leadership is not a solo act, it’s not always tough or strong, and it must be authentic, i.e., real, human, and fallible.
I now have the privilege of coaching other nonprofit leaders, and, make no mistake, I learn as much as I teach.
You may think it’s unwise for me to ‘admit’ this.
Question: Why would people pay me to coach them if I have as much to learn as they do?
Answer: Because it’s honest and true and the only way to actually improve and advance.
I guess at this point you know what I BELIEVE the answers to the quiz above are….
All Bs for the win!
IT IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TO ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS THAN IT IS TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS
I learned this from a coaching client, who learned it through our sessions.
This leader was grappling with some typical gnarly challenges: not enough funding, insatiable staff demands, and many competing priorities. We were talking about how he could navigate these situations and engage his leadership team and board.
He came to the epiphany, “Oh, I don’t need to have all the answers, I need to ask all the questions.”
Yes! You can’t figure it all out alone, and no one has all the answers. If someone is coming to you saying, “I have all the answers,” beware and don’t believe it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, these questions are intentionally asked in a binary way, in order to force a choice and to raise up the answers we don’t often see elevated in our culture and media, but reality is not nearly as black and white. Nuance is real.
LEADERSHIP MISTAKES ARE INEVITABLE AND SHOULD NOT BE HIDDEN
Back in my previous life as an Executive Director, there was a time when something was blowing up on social media. There was an event happening at our location, and, apparently, some of the people invited to speak had said some bad things. The social posts were lengthy, and the timeline was tight. I skimmed what was out there, and then I asked for advice from my executive team. We decided to allow the event to continue — free speech.
I woke up the next day and did more research on the speakers and everything they had said. I read all that I could and dug deeply. I did not want to admit it, but I worried we had made the wrong call. That I had made the wrong call. We reversed course and decided the event could not be held at our space.
I made at least two mistakes here: I didn’t do enough due diligence BEFORE making a call, and I didn’t take the time I needed to actually make the right call. I let urgency win the day, and my organization lost in the process.
Some people in the community and on my staff were not happy, and, while it took mere days to make — and remake — the call, it took months to rebuild trust. The truth is, I firmly believe it would have taken even longer to repair if I had not admitted my mistakes.
Perfect does not exist, so let’s stop pretending it does and trying to pin it down.
BEING CONFIDENT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE WITHOUT DOUBTS AND FEAR
I am a leader, a person, who tells on myself. What I mean by this is that I frequently felt scared, nervous, anxious, and worried about what I was about to do as a leader, who I was about to meet, and what I needed to achieve.
Now, I did not announce this every time I stepped on stage or met a very important person or had to raise a particular amount of money at a particular time. But I did say it sometimes, before, during, or after.
You see, I believe confidence is not about a lack of fear. It’s about having that fear, that doubt, and doing it anyway. Again and again.
I wish we could normalize that more.
SO, THE ANSWER? THE MOST UNDERRATED TRAIT FOR NONPROFIT LEADERS?
The trait I think we way undervalue for leaders is humility. I’m not talking about what you THINK humility means: a modest or low view of one’s own importance, humbleness.
I’m talking about the REAL MEANING of humility, which I believe is having an accurate, realistic view of oneself, acknowledging both one’s strengths and limitations without arrogance or boastfulness, and a modest, unassuming demeanor that focuses on others.
For me, the emphasis is on an “accurate, realistic view of oneself” and a “focus on others.”
I’m writing this blog because it is actually the kind of leader, parent, partner, friend, and family member that I strive to be. I don’t always hit the mark, but I am always trying.
Most of all, though, I write about this because we do not talk about this type of leadership enough. We do not see it lifted up and put on a pedestal.
What we see on that leadership pedestal is the strong, the certain, and the infallible. Day in and day out, we are fed images that are boastful, all-knowing, and tough.
So, I wanted to take a moment and lift up this kind of leadership. Let’s just call it REAL leadership. If this is you, bravo and thanks. Keep up the great work.
If you are not sure whether it is you, the fact that you’re curious about it is a good sign, and even better if you hope it is you.
Ask yourself these questions (or if you don’t know, ask someone else who knows you and who you trust):
- Am I more prone to take credit than give it to others?
- When I talk about work and wins, is it “me” or “we”?
- When I make a mistake, do I admit it to myself and others?
If the answers to these questions are not what you wish they were, try an experiment, a step towards humility:
- Publicly give some credit when you would have normally taken it all.
- Substitute “we” or “me” in talking or writing about the work and the wins. Observe how that makes you feel and how it makes others feel. Any feedback from others about this?
- And finally, identify a place where you could have done better or where you made an honest mistake, and tell someone you trust about it. Apologize and make amends if other people are involved, share what you learned, and decide what you plan to do differently next time.
This is not a foolproof plan to “achieve humility” as a leader. It’s a plan to try and cultivate more humility, and ultimately, to be more human. This is something we all ought to be focused on right now. It’s the only way to make our world better.
