joan garry

Kevin Jennings is my friend.  I’ve known him for a long time.  I respect him.  I like him very much.  He has been there for me. And for my kids.  Most specifically, my kids’ school.  When he ran GLSEN, The Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network, whose mission was to end homophobia in K-12 schools,  he came to my kids’ school and did a teacher training.  He talked to middle school teachers about homophobia,  about kids and when they start to recognize difference.  He gave them resources, suggestions on how to deal with situations.  We talked about epithets on the playground.  Every teacher walked away enriched and appreciative.

The conversation was predicated on the notion that kids may be questioning their own sexuality.  They may have gay parents, gay uncles and aunts, gay pediatricians…  you get the idea.  It is the world they live in and it behooves educators to know how to negoitiate this new world in an age appropriate fashion that is ultimately  the best interest of their students.

He did not encourage anyone (teacher or student) to be gay.  He did not advertise the benefits of homosexuality.  He did not promote homosexuality.

Now fast forward about 10 years.

Kevin Jennings is now an Assistant Deputy Secretary in the Department of Education and he runs the Office of Safe and Drug Free Schools.  His credentials and his commitment to student safety are impeccable.

Anyone who tells you that Kevin Jennings is not qualified for his job:

1.    Is a big ol’ homophobe
2.    Is not looking after the best interests of students in America
3.    Is looking out for the interests of a party working to position President Obama’s support for gay equality as something other than personal commitment to social justice and his efforts to create a more perfect union
4.    Is part of an effort to fire someone based on his sexual orientation.

Shame on the 53 Republican Congressmen who have signed a letter asking for Kevin Jennings head on a silver platter.  They have started a witch hunt.  Van Jones was first.  Now Kevin Jennings.  I’m sure there is a list.

There.  I’ve said it.   For those of you who read my posts here, you know me to be fairly measured in my points of view.   Today I don’t feel measured.

I am mad.  But I am going to take a deep breath and step back.

OK, The vast majority of Americans don’t really believe that there are 29 states in which a gay or lesbian person can be fired no questions asked simply because of their sexual orientation (or perceived sexual orientation) This is why the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) is so important.

And let’s not forget the U.S. military.  You get fired there too if they find out you are gay.   It used to be that the military could hunt you out – now it is a kinder, gentler hunt.  They call it ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

So let’s just call it out for what it is.  53 Republican members of Congress are trying to get <strong>Kevin Jenning</strong>s fired based on his sexual orientation.  And that should enrage everyone regardless of their sexual orientation.

Kevin Jennings is highly qualified for this position.  For twenty years, his work has been about the safety of kids in schools.  He is hard wired as an advocate for those who are bullied – because they are gay, because they are perceived to be gay, because they are other, because they are perceived to be less than.  Because they listen to kids use the word “gay” as a pejorative on the playground and feel threatened.  Because for whatever reason, the kids who are bullied are second-class citizens in what can be a very rough neighborhood.  And how easy is it to connect the dots between low self-esteem and drug abuse.  And you don’t have to take my word for it.  You could take a look at the very long list of education organizations that threw their support behind Kevin for this appointment – The National Association of School Psychologists, Learning First Alliance, National Education Association, ” National Association of Secondary School Principals, The Council for Exception Children, and  The Social Workers Association of America.

And oh, by the way, did the New York Times reach out to a single one of these education experts at the organizations listed above for any BALANCE in its story this morning.  I’ll save you the trouble.  No they did not.

Kevin Jennings and the leaders of these organizations endorsed Kevin have something in common.  They care about the well being of kids.

Therein lies the difference.  The 53 Republicans say they care about kids.  But they care about politics.  They care about creating a witch hunt because they have so very few other cards to play.

It’s wrong.  And it’s scary.  Witch hunts have a long rich history here in America and around the globe.  A very ugly history.

Here’s a list of the 53 members of Congress who have called for Kevin’s resignation.  Maybe it’s time for us to do some calling.

It’s all getting to be a bit much for me.   Eileen was reading Huffington Post last night and gasped.  “Mary Travers died!”  Then not five minutes later:  “Oh my god, Henry Gibson died!”

What is going on around here?

The shock of people passing away at age 72 or 73 is part of it for sure.  But more and more people I know are dying.  And I don’t like it one little bit.

And of course I know what is really happening.  I AM GETTING OLDER AND SO THE PEOPLE I KNOW ARE GETTING OLDER.  And then s**t happens and poof they are gone.

Or should I say “puff?”

Mary Travers had a remarkable voice.  In oh so many ways.  Have a read in my weekly piece for The Star Ledger:  “Mary Travers is Gone.  Puff! Just Like That!“

The uproar over the speech President Obama just gave at Wakefield High School in Arlington, VA couldn’t simply have been about politics.  Did conservatives really think that Obama would stand up and encourage kids to advocate for universal health care?   They just couldn’t be that stupid.

So maybe it’s something else?  I ruminate on this on The Star Ledger’s Parenting blog.

Have a read:  Obama’s Speech to Kids: A Different Take on The Controversy.

I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why Seabiscuit was all over Google Hot Trends this morning.  Then I found out that the movie was on TNT last night.  I have read the book and seen the movie.  Loved them both. Especially loved Toby Maguire in Seabiscuit.  He’s just my favorite.  I want both of my daughters to marry Toby Maguire.  Not at the same time.  That would be awfully confusing.  I just mean he seems so smart and kind.

But I think I am digressing.

I started to think about how difficult Seabiscuit was and how the right person was able to work with him to be an amazing success.  This led me to thinking about teenagers.

And so here is my Top 10 Ways in Which Seabiscuit Reminds Me of My Teenagers. Posted this morning at The Newark Star Ledger’s Parenting blog.

Hats off to Ben’s friend David Epstein.  He traveled to Israel for a vacation managed to purchase the perfect vacation souvenir for Ben.   The perfect intersection of local flavor and Ben’s own interests.

It is not easy to find a great vacation souvenir.   It is not easy to be motivated to look.    Thought you might want to read my “Top Three Rules for Buying the Perfect Vacation Souvenir.”  It appears this morning on The Newark Star Ledger’s Parenting blog.

I have been so proud of my kids.  They have been working so hard to spend their money wisely.  I’ve even written about it for The Newark Star Ledger.  And then I walked into the bathroom and saw this.  At first I was frightened.  And then I moved closer….  Read more – “I Really Thought My Teenagers Were Spending Less Money!  at nj.com.

Every time you log into Facebook, you are asked:  What’s on Your Mind?”

My partner Eileen says she is sick of reading FB profiles about what people are eating.  “Delicious soft shell crabs with Bobby”  or “Try the bison burger at Ted’s.”  She thinks it is stupid.  She doesn’t really care that much about what other people eat.  She cares a lot about what our family eats and in fact, our family cares a lot about it.  We often spend meals reminiscing about great meals we have had or looking ahead with anticipation to our next meal.  But that’s just us.   Not a friend of hers from high school she can barely remember.  But now she knows that that old friend she can barely remember has a fantastic pork chop recipe.

Got me thinking about what people aren’t saying in their FB profiles.  We all try to be clever or witty or warm or sweet or political or informed.  Pithy always works well too.

I have not felt witty, clever or pithy these last few weeks.  I have been scared. My partner has been battling pneumonia.  It came on suddenly.   Very high fevers.  Never seen her so sick in our nearly 30 years together.  Wracking coughs.   I’ve watched enough episodes of Marcus Welby and every other doctor show  to know that coughs coming out of nowhere plus family history of lung cancer = panic.   And then a CT scan with a big“uh-oh” attached.  But not a huge uh-oh.   It was the “Hmmm, let’s take another xray in 10 days and see where we are at” kind of uh-oh.

I’ll not keep you in suspense.  The xray was yesterday and all is well.  Eileen is still coughing her brains out but now I kind of enjoy hearing it.   48 hours ago every cough was like a knife in my heart.

And so for me, FB presented a significant dilemna these past few weeks.  I couldn’t really say what I felt.  Heck, my kids (the ones who agree to friend me) could see it.   And I’m sorry but I think it would be a big downer to read   “Sheer Terror” as someone’s status, don’t you?   Even my friend Jessica Wolf who quite often “likes my status” would have been hard pressed to give me a thumbs up on that one.

So yesterday, I captured an overwhelming sense of relief after the doctor appointment with “a very good day.”   That was not what was “on my mind” as FB encourages us to share.

Last week, on Eileen’s birthday,  I wrote something sweet about it being the 28th year I woke up on July 23rd to wish Eileen a happy birthday….  I got so many lovely comments.  But this was not at all what was on my mind.  I mean it was but then again, it so wasn’t.

I found it to be very hard work not to share what was really on my mind.  Maybe because I am just hard wired to be pretty earnest.   But perhaps FB could work a bit harder to get us all to really share what is on our mind.   Here are some of the things that come to mind that we might read.  Could make FB so much more authentic.

“Screamed so loud at my kids that the veins stuck out on my neck.  And then I realized that all the windows were open.”

“I just called 911.”

“Is it bad if a doctor tells you to call Hospice?”

“I really like the new boyfriend but miss the old one .”

“Anyone know the difference between melanoma and melanoma in situ?”

“Constipated.  Advice?”

I suppose FB would be much less entertaining, right?    Then let’s get FB to change “What’s on your mind?” to “What clever pithy thing can you write that has has only the vaguest connection to what is on your mind?”

So this morning  I wrote the following “What if people wrote what was really on their minds?”    My friend Richie just commented “You first.”

OK.  Here goes.  “The thought of growing old without Eileen was unbearable.”

Richie, your turn.

I enjoy Facebook very much.  I resisted for a long time but I am now a true convert.  I like the self-expression element and I have  found it an invaluable networking tool.   And yes, I have even connected with a few friends from high school.

This weekend,  I received a friend request from an unfamiliar name.  Kathy Gould.  Along with the request came  a personal message, connecting this Kathy Gould to a high school chum,  Kathy Zappia.  As I usually do, I have a quick look at the profile picture, the one you see above.

I immediately assume that this Kathy named Gould is the one with the glasses is on the left because there is no question that Kathy Zappia is the one on the right.   “Zap” as she was known (high school chums are well known for novel and original nicknames) was a fiery adolescent.  Fiery smart with fiery red hair to match.  A driven student.  Class valedictorian. Well informed opinions on every imaginable subject.  Complimented by a steady and sweet boyfriend who was not at all fiery but clearly basked in the glow of fiery.

So I see my two Kathys in this photo, arms around one another and I gasp.  OMG, I thought.  Could it be?  I would never have suspected that Zap was gay but I beyond clueless on this front in the 1970s so this meant nothing.

What an exciting discovery.  I quickly accepted Kathy Gould’s friendship and begin to write a message allowing us to virtually share in the knowledge that we are kindred gay spirits.  Then I stop myself.    I suppose I could be wrong.  I look closely at the picture.  Maybe they are just friends.  I better not assume .  So I wrote Kathy Gould the following message:

if i am way off the mark here, smack me. but are you and kathy zappia a couple? or as a gay rights activist, do i just presume that all people are gay until proven otherwise? i’m either presenting myself here as hilarious or crazy or pathetic. or all three?

Perhaps you have long ago figured out the punchline.   Kathy Gould is Kathy Zappia.  And Kathy’s profile picture is a lovely photo of her and her college daughter Allison.  Kathy Zappia is not gay.  She is straight.  Joan Garry is not smart.  She is a big idiot.

It was lovely and mortifying all at the same time to catch up with her.  It was also lucky for me that Kathy is not fiery against homosexuality.  And that she still thinks I’m funny.

It strikes me however, that thanks to more and more images of gay couples out there for the world to see,  we can assume more.  Just a few weeks ago, my partner Eileen and her business partner, Melinda, were at a grocery store picking up food for a meeting.  They each grabbed for the heavier bag but  Melinda won out.  The woman behind the counter, smiled that knowing smile.   “Awww, she loves you!”

Melinda was clueless but Eileen picked right up on it.   She thinks we are a couple, Eileen said.   The world is changing they acknowledged.   Eileen told Melinda that when we would vacation together in the mid-late 80s,  people would always ask if we were teachers.  Or librarians.  Or our very favorite: sisters.  No one even imagined you might be a couple.  And now people who are not couples are assumed to be.

And so too it was with me and Kathy Zappia and her daughter.

Yet again, Facebook offered me the pleasure of reconnecting.  It’s quite a nice feeling.  Although I must admit a certain sadness in learning that Kathy Zappia was happily married to a man  (and I don’t mean it that way) I remember her as a terrific person.  I was kind of hoping she’d be in our club.

happy birthday julian.

This is my friend Kate Kendell.  This is her son Julian.  For his thirteenth birthday, Kate brought Julian to Washington DC yesterday  for the White House reception for gay leaders.  Julian had wanted to be the first African American president.  Now he has decided he wants to be the first  African American president with lesbian mothers.  I think that spot is still open… And he has my vote.

It was quite a remarkable afternoon.  We mingled, took photos and then made our way into the East Room for the President’s remarks.  There were high expectations for them – so many of us wanted to hear so much.  And his remarks were good.

At the very end of his speech, he said “, I will continue to be an ally and a champion and a President who fights with you and for you.”

Now, I know what he meant. He meant that together we would fight for full equality and that he would advocate for us to get there. But the line is also true if you look at it the other way. Over the rest of his first term (this is how I like to think of it), he will continue to battle with the gay community. Because we are impatient.

Maybe the Obama administration didn’t anticipate just how impatient our impatience would be. But it makes sense if you think about . Let’s say you were locked out of a house for eight years. And then let’s say that after those eight years, a man you saw as a kindred spirit, a community organizer just like you, opened the door and invited you in. You’d have a lot to say. And you’d try to say it loud and fast, worrying that the door may once again be slammed in your face.

Yesterday, several hundred of us – gay leaders from all across the country – were invited in. Literally. We were there to celebrate Gay Pride Month and the 40th Anniversary of Stonewall, a police raid in a gay bar in the West Village where the impatience of our community reached a tipping point. No president had ever invited a big bunch of us over for cocktails during Pride Month before. The event was remarkable. Historic. I was proud to be there. Proud to have my partner at my side.

He brought out the good china, he brought out his two most senior advisors (Jarrett and Axelrod). He brought out the baby lamb chops. They tried very hard. They even hired a DJ to play house music (OK, maybe they tried a little too hard).

“Welcome to your White House,” the President said to those assembled. It was a smart move to invite us, it was strategic. And he no doubt bought himself some time, gave us a bit of permission to be a bit more patient.

His remarks were good. He honored the work of the gay community, he honored the struggle, acknowledged the progress. He wove a powerful narrative about the evenings of the riots and reminded us that the work will happen “step by step, law by law, mind by changing mind.”

And of course I wanted more. (I believe I have already established the impatience theme). I wanted the language of the Department of Justice brief, comparing homosexuality to incest and pedophilia, to be offered as a teachable moment about the prejudice that lives even in those who stand with us. I wanted to hear more about the role he will play in pushing Congress to get these bills to his desk. I wanted a kitchen table story. I wanted to know that he and Michele (and Malia for that matter) talk about the issues of the day over dinner, including ours.

But most of all, I wanted President Obama to come out. OK, I don’t mean it that way. I wanted the President to come out as a kindred spirit.

Listen to him read Dreams From My Father sometime. Don’t just read it. Listen. Listen to him talk about a world in which he was often an outsider . Listen to him talk about his own struggle to own and honor his identity. To find his place in the world. Listen to him talk about reading Heart of Darkness in an effort to better diagnose why people hate. Listen to him talk with empathy and passion about his work as a community organizer.

He peeked out yesterday at the White House when he said “The truth is when these folks protested at Stonewall 40 years ago, no one could have imagined that you, or for that matter, I would be standing here.”

But if our kindred spirit President, who has traveled his very own and very personal journey, can open his heart to us, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue will be more than just a house. We can make ourselves at home.

Note:  You will also find this piece published today on The Huffington Post.

I often go to ‘Google Hot Trends’ to see what people are talking about.  It reminds me that either I am an alien being or that I am the only sane one.   And it seems that the death roll continues.   First Farrah Fawcet, then Michael Jackson.  Then (in an oddly crushing blow to our fourteen year old son Ben), Billy Mays, the OxyClean man.

Things seem to be going to hell in a handbasket.  Now googlers are over the edge, googling the death of everyone it seems.

This morning my heart stopped when I realized one of the top searches was “Miley Cyrus Death.”  I frantically googled myself and it appears that Miley is alive and well, complete with nose pierce.  Further down the list, I saw “Bruce Willis dead.”  Bruce Willis is NOT dead.  He is way older than he was when I first saw him on Moonlighting, but big difference between old and dead.

Even Eileen got into the act last night.  We received a terrific dvd of Ben and Kit’s 8th grade graduation ceremony and I was oohing and aahing about it.  Did we get two of them,  Eileen asked me.  No, just this one.   But Ben and Kit each need one, she said.   I don’t think so, I said.  This dvd is for us.  She stopped.  But Ben and Kit will each need one when we are dead.

While in this current climate, I guess Eileen’s train of thought makes some sense, the fact is I wasn’t thinking quite that far ahead.

I’d like to report that this death frenzy has escaped me but no such luck.   When Ben came down on Saturday morning to tell me that he had learned of the sudden demise of the OxyClean guy, I went into an momentary emotional tailspin thinking that Willy Mays had died.

I caught myself.  Willie Mays has been dead for some time I thought.  And this joke, that I confused these two deceased men, one of modest notoriety and one of fame,  that was to have been the point of this post.

And then I googled THE Willie Mays.  He is alive and well at 78.

Now I think I know how these things get started…..