joan garry

I enjoy Facebook very much.  I resisted for a long time but I am now a true convert.  I like the self-expression element and I have  found it an invaluable networking tool.   And yes, I have even connected with a few friends from high school.

This weekend,  I received a friend request from an unfamiliar name.  Kathy Gould.  Along with the request came  a personal message, connecting this Kathy Gould to a high school chum,  Kathy Zappia.  As I usually do, I have a quick look at the profile picture, the one you see above.

I immediately assume that this Kathy named Gould is the one with the glasses is on the left because there is no question that Kathy Zappia is the one on the right.   “Zap” as she was known (high school chums are well known for novel and original nicknames) was a fiery adolescent.  Fiery smart with fiery red hair to match.  A driven student.  Class valedictorian. Well informed opinions on every imaginable subject.  Complimented by a steady and sweet boyfriend who was not at all fiery but clearly basked in the glow of fiery.

So I see my two Kathys in this photo, arms around one another and I gasp.  OMG, I thought.  Could it be?  I would never have suspected that Zap was gay but I beyond clueless on this front in the 1970s so this meant nothing.

What an exciting discovery.  I quickly accepted Kathy Gould’s friendship and begin to write a message allowing us to virtually share in the knowledge that we are kindred gay spirits.  Then I stop myself.    I suppose I could be wrong.  I look closely at the picture.  Maybe they are just friends.  I better not assume .  So I wrote Kathy Gould the following message:

if i am way off the mark here, smack me. but are you and kathy zappia a couple? or as a gay rights activist, do i just presume that all people are gay until proven otherwise? i’m either presenting myself here as hilarious or crazy or pathetic. or all three?

Perhaps you have long ago figured out the punchline.   Kathy Gould is Kathy Zappia.  And Kathy’s profile picture is a lovely photo of her and her college daughter Allison.  Kathy Zappia is not gay.  She is straight.  Joan Garry is not smart.  She is a big idiot.

It was lovely and mortifying all at the same time to catch up with her.  It was also lucky for me that Kathy is not fiery against homosexuality.  And that she still thinks I’m funny.

It strikes me however, that thanks to more and more images of gay couples out there for the world to see,  we can assume more.  Just a few weeks ago, my partner Eileen and her business partner, Melinda, were at a grocery store picking up food for a meeting.  They each grabbed for the heavier bag but  Melinda won out.  The woman behind the counter, smiled that knowing smile.   “Awww, she loves you!”

Melinda was clueless but Eileen picked right up on it.   She thinks we are a couple, Eileen said.   The world is changing they acknowledged.   Eileen told Melinda that when we would vacation together in the mid-late 80s,  people would always ask if we were teachers.  Or librarians.  Or our very favorite: sisters.  No one even imagined you might be a couple.  And now people who are not couples are assumed to be.

And so too it was with me and Kathy Zappia and her daughter.

Yet again, Facebook offered me the pleasure of reconnecting.  It’s quite a nice feeling.  Although I must admit a certain sadness in learning that Kathy Zappia was happily married to a man  (and I don’t mean it that way) I remember her as a terrific person.  I was kind of hoping she’d be in our club.