Maybe I’m just trying to distract myself from “Democratic Celebrity Death Match.” But I don’t think so. I’ve been quite focused this week on the cover story of this past Sunday’s New York Times Magazine – the story called “Young Gay Rites.” Do take a minute to read it online if you haven’t seen it. You will no doubt have varying reactions to it – some will reflect on the couples, some on the journalist, some on the editor, many on you.

The piece offers a very narrow swath of gay “married” life (maybe I should use the word in quotes until we have all the same state and federal legal rights and responsibilities as straight people) – young white men in their 20s in the state of Massachusetts. The photography is clever (“kitschy” would be the gay adjective ) (Note: the photo above is not from the piece but is the same category. The Times photography is way kitschier) and as a sociological portrayal of a small niche, it was rather good. But a cover story? A cover that teases the piece this way: “Life among young men who are married (to men) in Massachusetts could not be more normal. Strange.”

Strange indeed.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have been with my partner since I was 23. By the time I was the age of the men profiled, we owned a home in the suburbs, had joint bank accounts and yes, two cats. I know from settling down in my 20s. And I don’t know – call me old fashioned – but I considered it a sign of maturity. The right to “marry” was not available to us in 1983 but had it been, we’d have avoided “living in sin” lo these many years. In fact, it could be said that the strangest thing about us is that we were not and cannot not be “married” like our straight neighbors.

The journalist appeared to be making a case that the profiled couples were normal and not strange. Instead, Mr. Denizet-Lewis introduces us to couples who are silly, vacuous and naïve. “We’ve thought a lot about household roles,” says Marc about his partner Vassili. “I’m going to clean and Vassili is going to cook.” At another point, Benjamin reminds Joshua that he is 25 and not 24. “Am I desperately trying to hold onto my youth,” Joshua asks his partner. “Honey, am I a gay cliché?”

Bingo. And while you are at it Joshua, you might want to attempt to hold onto your dignity.

I asked a number of people about their reactions, recognizing that I am, after all, no longer in my 20s. Or 30s. OK - even 40s. One friend wrote: “Gay people are allowed to be boring, too.” I agree completely. The only problem is the Mr. Denizet-Lewis didn’t give us boring. He didn’t give us “normal.” He gave us cardboard stereotypes that make June Cleaver look deep.

I suppose when all is said and done, my biggest issue with the piece is not the piece itself. It’s the placement. A cover story infers a degree of credibility and universality. And cover stories get promoted. And so, if you go to the Times website, this article is currently one of the most popular. Mission accomplished. The topic always sells and the clever cover photo worked like a charm.

Or maybe I am just stuck on this word “normal.” I don’t know what it means and it rubs me the wrong way. The same way the phrase “ordinary Americans” rubs me the wrong way when our Presidential candidates use it. I don’t know anyone who is “normal” – I don’t know what that word means. OK, so I know that there are more straight people in the world than lgbt people. Does that make them normal and me something other than normal? It makes me different, yes. It puts me in a minority, yes. I also live behind a white picket fence. Pretty normal, huh? Actually, I’m quite privileged to have a white picket fence. Many straight Americans dream of living in a house with a fence as nice as ours. So which of us is normal?

To Joshua and Benjamin, Brandon L and Brandon A, to Marc and Vassili, to Jason and Paul – I wish I knew more about you. I bet you have interesting lives and careers. And I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope you use several of your 15 minutes of fame to educate a few people about what your Massachusetts marriage license provides you with and all the rights it does not. And I wish for you as much happiness in your relationships after 27 years as I have in mine.

And it may seem strange but I hope your lives are never normal.

Note:  This essay is also cross posted at The Huffington Post.  You’ll find other posts of mine there as well.

I spent some time this weekend thinking about 81 year olds. Two of them in fact. My mother and the Pope. The Pope turned 81 just this week and my mom turns 81 in May. When I began drafting the piece, I thought it was going to be about two different versions of 81 – similarities and differences – and it ended up being a piece encouraging the Pope to get a really fat cat. I have absolutely no idea why I started talking about my mother and her cat AGAIN. It’s when I knew I should walk away from the laptop and come back to writing at a later point.

This morning, I sat down with my coffee and scoured the NY Times website to see just how excruciating the Pennsylvania primary is going to be and lo and behold, I see a headline about the Pope and cats.

And so, without further ado, I offer you some of my own observations about the similarities between my mother, also named Joan Garry and Pope Benedict.

Similarities

1) Both are devout Catholics. My mom goes to church almost every day. Except on Thursday when she golfs.
2) Both of them like to drink. And I’m not talking lemonade.

3) Both of them have been to a synagogue recently. My mom for my kids’ bar / bat mitzvah and the Pope to an east side synagogue to honor the Passover holiday.

4) Both Pope Benedict and the other Joan Garry have struggled with the morality (or lack thereof) of homosexuality.

5) Both my mother and the Pope have a connection to my friend Sylvia Vogelman. My mother has known her for years and the Pope’s chef on Saturday night was a friend of Sylvia’s. She was not at liberty to discuss the menu but did acknowledge that the Pope likes to drink wine. Duh.

6) Both the Pope and my mother have spent time with gay men who sing. My mom has attended a number of concerts of the NYC Gay Men’s Chorus. The Pope spends alot of time with priests.

7) My mother and the Pope both love cats. In fact Pope Benedict is the only Pope who has a biography written about him by a cat.

Differences

1) My mother does not wear big wacky hats. Although in a recent photograph, she looks like she is wearing a plant.

2) My mother has struggled with my sexual orientation and is a lot further along on this subject than Pope Benedict.

3) My mother prefers martinis to red wine. Her martinis are with gin, very dry and she likes olives.

4) No one has written a biography of my mother and I have not heard that one is in the works. If there was, I am quite sure that her cat Babe would not write it.

5) My mother loses her wallet and her car keys with some regularity. I am guessing the Pope has people who take care of these things.

6) My mother enjoys a Sunday afternoon nap and takes good care of herself. The Pope runs himself ragged. My mom watched the Yankee stadium mass and said “The Pope looked exhausted. He had bags under his eyes that went all the way down to his knees.”

7) My mom has a wonderful, neurotic and severely overweight cat that keeps her company and loves her without condition. The Pope only has an imaginary cat named Chico.

For those of you who know my mother or the Pope and can add to either of these lists, you know where to find me.

I know in my heart that if I walked down the street wearing an American flag pin, people would assume that I was Republican.  Furthermore, they would assume that I was a conservative Republican.

For the record, I am neither.

How did this happen?  Did we Democrats send a memo out at some point ceding the patriotic territory to the guys (and yes, they are almost all guys) on the other side of the aisle?

I know the Republicans didn’t take the flag away from us Democrats.  They couldn’t.  The flag belongs to all of us.  So the only explanation is that we gave it away.

It can be so frustrating to be a Democrat.  So what if we are right?  If we are not smart, being right doesn’t mean a hill of beans.

So, here’s my idea.  Now Senator Obama didn’t heed my last suggestion - to go public with his top 3-5 VP picks, but I’m just going to keep coming up with the big ideas, hoping someone might take me up on one of them.

Here goes.

It’s time for Democrats to reclaim the mantle of patriotism.   But our current form of democracy seems to have made some wrong turns on this American journey of ours.  Somewhere along the way, we forgot that this country was to be the beacon of freedom, of diversity.  Our country’s founding fathers were brilliant and compassionate.  Consider the words of the Constitution that ABC ran before commercial breaks during last night’s debate (the only smart thing they did all night) (although it further emphasized how small Gibson and Stephanopoulus were).

Barack, how about making a statement?  Consider wearing an American flag pin beginning today and until you take the oath of office on January 20, 2009.

Return to our roots.  Wear an American flag.   The original American flag.  The Betsy Ross version. The one James Madison wore as he was writing the Constitution.

It’s time to remind people what this country stands for.  Or what it stood for and needs to stand for once more.

I call it a pro-life essay from a pro-choice gal.  Check out this morning’s Star Ledger if you live in NJ.  Otherwise, have a read at the blog I write with (and about) my kids  - I call it ‘There’ Nothing Really Easy About Juno”.  You’ll find it at www.whosthegrownup.com

I am a person of privilege.  My partner and I try never to forget it or to take it for granted.  This privilege enables me to be home with my kids rather than hold a full time job.  Sometimes “privilege” doesn’t seem like quite the right word when it comes to being home with your kids but perhaps that is a post for another day.

And yet the recession that we are in that we are not supposed to say that we are in is hitting us all.  We are rethinking a big summer family vacation (and not just because we don’t always get along very well as a group).  Eileen shops at Costco now.  Actually she tells me that she likes BJ’s better.    One of them has better produce than the other, one of them has better meats.  I don’t remember which is which.  Is this the moment to say that I pay very little attention to her enthusiastic post-Costco monologues?

But I am paying attention to how much we have saved in the last month on groceries.

And I am paying attention to the polls showing that everyone is cutting back.  And not just on groceries.

A CNN poll a few weeks back scared me.  People are cutting back on very important things.

30% of respondents are trimming their spending on food and medicine and that 57% are worried they will have to cut back soon. Nearly half said they have cut back on how much heating or electricity they use in their homes, and 53% are concerned that they will have to trim spending on heating in the future.

OK, so where am I going with this?

More and more Americans are becoming increasingly frantic about the economy.  The economy, as CNN now says (as incessantly as they remind us that they have the “best political team on television), the economy is “Issue #1).  Maybe Obama and Clinton should tie Issue #1 (Economy) more directly to Issue #2 (Iraq).

I’m not hearing that.  Maybe it’s risky to put the war effort in that context.  But we are spending $3 billion dollars a week in Iraq.  And people here have no health care?  And people are cutting back on electricity?  And medicine?

Maybe this is why I am not running for public office, but can we afford to stay in Iraq?

In my mind, it is very important that Senator Obama continue to illustrate in big and small ways that he will do things differently. He needs to give us examples of what he means when he says it will not be “politics as usual” in an Obama White House.

Obama’s Philadelphia speech on race was one such example. It was exactly what I was looking for. Bold and risky. Most handlers would have attempted to dissuade him. That’s what I believe Americans are looking for - decisions that indicate that he is not handled, that he has a mind of his own and that he knows how to follow the rules but also is not afraid to create a few new ones.

In addition, to address the experience concern, Americans should have a bit more insight into the kind of president he would be once elected. And what we have grown to understand, particularly in these last eight years, is that who a president is defined in a significant way by who that president hires.

So here’s my suggestion, Barack. Put Hillary on the defensive with a bold move. Hold a press conference. Tell people something they know – that Vice Presidents have become more and more influential in how America is governed. Tell them that with our nation at war, the strong and steady hand of a Defense Secretary is critical. Tell them that with our international standing and our relationships with foreign countries badly damaged by “8 x #43,” the person chosen as Secretary of State has the opportunity and the responsibility to change the world. Literally.

Then tell them something they don’t know. Tell them your top three picks for Vice President. Include Hillary because the story would just become about that if you didn’t. Tell them your top three picks for Defense and State.

Tell us about your peeps.

You’d have no obligation but it would introduce America to you as a president. It would allow them to imagine themselves in an Obama America. It would no doubt be a strong and diverse list and it would say something about you that would unquestionably strengthen your case.

“Politics as usual” being what it is will no doubt be the very obstacle that will prevent something like this from happening. But it is the kind of move that will absolutely demonstrate that you represent the future.

And then (this is the fun part): ask Hillary to do the same.

Just my two cents Senator Obama.

You’d think my friend Amy and Jodie Foster were separated at birth.  It’s uncanny.  It’s fun being with her at the movies. Even at the supermarket. In fact, this was a picture I took of Amy at the A&P. I suggested that she might be overdressed but Amy knows the paparazzi are at every bend. Amy has stopped signing autographs though - she is concerned about the legal ramifications.

OK. OK.  This is not a picture of my friend Amy.  This is a picture of Jodie Foster.  I felt it inappropriate to post a picture of the actual Amy so I thought I’d just post a picture of someone Amy cares deeply about.

Amy posted a comment in response to the dozens of comments here and at Momocrats about her recent comment to me that she’d vote for McCain over Obama if Hillary did not get the nod.

I had been starting to worry that I had offended Amy because I’d not heard from her.

But I woke up this morning to find that Amy actually has a life and hadn’t had the opportunity.  So in her own words.

Let’s back up a little. This whole discussion started when Joan (whom I also love and respect-also very opinionated) stated that she switched her support from Hilary to Obama because she “did not believe that Hilary could beat McCain” Slap my fanny and call me stubborn, but I always thought that I should stand behind my candidate because I believed they were the best person for the job. I feel that way about Hilary. More than that, I think that Obama has wonderful speech writers and a golden tongue, but is naive if he thinks he will “change Washington”. I have met Hilary several times and truly believe in her plans for the country.

Further, Joan made the statement that her partner supports Obama because Caroline Kennedy does, and she does everything Caroline says to do. Joan, in turn, does what her partner says to do. Folks, I have only met Caroline once: in a Swiss chocolate store on 61st and Madison. She was on her blackberry while ordering extremely expensive chocolate. She was so consumed with her blackberry that she ordered chocolate I deemed unworthy of someone of her stature. She even seemed confused by which chocolate to buy. Which is the most popular? Which is the best deal? Which will last the longest? She clearly did not do her homework or she would have ordered the champagne truffles- the store is well known for these and they abolutely rock! What does this have to do with the election? NOTHING, but if she picks her candidates the way she chooses her chocolates we are in big trouble.

In my entire life I have never voted for a Republican and it is doubtful that I will start now. My comments, however, sparked debate and discussion. I expected no less. I thank all my supporters out there, and I thank you, Joan for my 15 minutes of fame.

As for the 15 minutes of fame, I’m pretty sure you are rounding up.

Imagine my delight.  I opened the New York Times Arts section to find a huge article about diversity among tv’s political pundits.  The article, Like the Candidates, TV’s Political Pundits Show Signs of Diversity, features many of my current pundit favorites, including Donna Brazile and Rachael Maddow.  I happen to like them because I find them to be smart, thoughtful and straight shooters.   And they’re not.  Straight that is.

I was impressed.  Here is the Times talking about diversity in media and including my peeps.  Donna and Rachael are openly gay - it’s not a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ kind of thing.  I read through the article quickly to get to the sexual orientation reference.

No such luck.

I can hear my brother Steven saying to himself - It’s not relevant.  No other pundit talks about his / her sexual orientation.    That could be true but it is also equally true that a Bill Bennett or a Paul Begala might reference a political dinnertime conversation with the wife and kids.  Would Donna or Rachael be equally comfortable?  I wonder.

More importantly, last time I checked, straight people had employment protection discrimination in all states.  Last time I checked, straight people could serve openly in the military.  Last time I checked, straight people could legally marry the person of their choice.

My argument is that gay rights is a political issue and thus, the full diversity of TV pundits should have been raised in this article.

It was conspicuously absent.  And I’m guessing that the journalist or editor would argue that it was not relevant.

I disagree.

P.S.  Rachael looks much more comfortable without makeup, don’t you think?

I haven’t heard from my friend Amy since I wrote about a dinner conversation in which she said she would vote for McCain instead of Obama if Obama is the Democratic pick.  I’m really hoping it’s because she is out of town.  She does travel alot.

As I mentioned in my last post, I am now a contributor blogger at Momocrats and I cross-posted there as well.   Visitors to Momocrats had a LOT of comments.

A few people reacted to the post with outrage that I would throw my friend Amy under the bus like this - publicly critical of her opinions.    Kelly rushed to Amy’s defense:

 I may not vote for McCain, but your “precious” will NEVER get my vote! How offensive, btw, for you to post or even want to post the email address of a FRIEND just because you disagree with her. Some friend you are, Joan. Throw her under the bus along with your grandmother.

Here’s the thing, Kelly.  I don’t think I threw her under the bus.  Read the post again carefully and you will see that I was flabbergasted by Amy’s comment but I never personally attacked her for it (gosh, I hope Amy backs me up on this).  Clearly I disagree but it is neither the first time nor (hopefully) the last time I will disagree with Amy.

And Kelly.  One more thing.  I loved my grandmother with my heart and soul.  My daughter is named after her.  Ask anyone I know (with the possible exception of Amy).

Many agreed with me but Amy will be pleased to see (if she talks to me again) that many agreed with her.  In fact, she may particularly like the inference that I am a  member of the “lunatic fringe.”

I agree with your friend. The problem as I see it is that the democratic party spends an inordinate amount of time and resources on the lunatic fringe leaving people in the middle with no coherant slate of people to vote for. I’m a divorced working mom and a Union member who has no business voting republican, yet many of my votes go to republicans.

Anyway, I’ll let you know if I hear from Amy.

I thought it was an anomaly.

It was a lovely evening about a month ago.  We were celebrating our friend Cindy’s birthday.  She’d just had cataract surgery and looked more like Popeye than our friend Cindy (I suggested she order the spinach) and the dozen or so women assembled raised a glass to Cindy and her family.  They’d had a tough year and prevailed.

Then the conversation turned to politics.  It was a Hillary crowd.  It was also a gay crowd.  Having voted for Barack, Eileen and I were in the minority.  The conversation was lively and not at all argumentative.  We all seemed to agree that the core objective was to make sure a Democrat was inaugurated in January 2009.

And then our friend Amy spoke.

I love Amy.  Smart, funny, generous, and yes, opinionated.  If Hillary doesn’t get the nomination, I’m voting for McCain, she said.  I almost fell off my chair.  She was not kidding and she was adamant.  She said Obama was a lightweight and the United States simply can’t afford that.

I tried to forget that part of the evening because I really couldn’t grapple with the implications of that comment.

Until yesterday’s polling information hit.  And there it was.  Now Amy has a lot of company.

The next steps are clear.  We Democrats better start turning our attention to educating our base about why John McCain should not be the next President of the United States.  Even while the Obama / Clinton battle rages on.   Maybe this is a project that Howard Dean and the DNC can take on.  The DNC can’t seem to figure a way out of the nominations mess so maybe it can be more productive educating the electorate about the risk of McCain.

I believe Obama will get the nomination.  I believe that unless we do something – and fast – my friend Amy is going to vote for McCain.  I’d like to be able to say that I made my best effort to persuade her to do otherwise.

I’m going to ask Amy if she minds if I post her email address. Seriously, I am.  In the meantime, leave your comments here for Amy and I’ll make sure she gets them.  And remember: each of us has an Amy.  Seek them out and start making the case.

NOTE:  I am now a contributing blogger at MOMOCRATS, a group of moms who have blogs of their own who come together to blog as moms and as Democrats.  Thus the name.  I will be writing new material for that blog and cross posting as well.  So do check back and forth.  And spend some time at Momocrats if you can.  Smart women, powerful voices.   Have a look - click here.